Reply: Being the fat daugther

Me, mother, little sister and brother on Christmas eve 2010.
I read weesha's world latest blog post "Being the fat daugther" and I think it is SO GREAT!! I read it ALL and I'm that kind of person that easily loose interest if there's too much text on a blog and admire the pictures instead, haha, but I read it all and I admire YOU! LuAnne, for being so brave and confident in yourself to make this post. Which has made me want to share with you my experience in being the fat daugther in a family of 5. Where everyone's skinny and good looking and I'm the only big/fat one. I don't share my insecurities with many, only my closest friends. My negative thoughts that would put me down before, when I thought I wasn't attractive enought for a guy to ever fall inlove with me. 
Me and my mom this summer, I look SO BIG compared to her, jeez.
First of all lets start from the begining, I've always been bigger. I did not get the "skinny-gene" that my brother and sister got. I would grow up having all of mom's and dad's friends say "Oh Jennifer, You've gotten so big!" I know many of them meant well in saying that, as in I've gotten older and grown. But I couldn't help feeling as they meant that I've gotten "large" it especially lowered my self-confident when I man said I was "robust" when I was 12 years old and I asked mom what it meat and she explained for me that it meant, big, sturdy, strong, firm. I couldn't take it as an compliment then because a 12 year old girl shouldn't be refered as "robust", I don't know if I can today either, even if it isn't an negative word. Because of what he told me it has a negative meaning to me. I'm not mad at him, I bet he didn't mean to hurt me, but he didn't choose his words wisley.

What are with some people not thinking before speaking!? 
I was an active kid, I played soccer, and I also danced Jazz and Streetdance for 6 years up until I was 17 years old. I admit I'm not as fit now as I was then, not at all. I am bigger today then what I was then, even so, when I was younger was the time when people told me the most that; I was fat, and need to think about what I ate, and loose weight, etc.
Why? Maybe easier to question a teenager about her weight then an adult? I guess...it's sad.
If I wanted an extra plate of food my mom would look at me with that face that would read "Really Jennifer? an extra plate of food, think about your weight! Don't have it." if I wanted an extra slice of cake at one of my brother or sisters Bday she'd say "MmmmmM!!!! Jennifer....." with a stern look on her face. If we had movie night at home she's move the bowl of chips away from me when she felt I had enough. Maybe that is why I really LOVE chips today, hahah! joking, no but chips are my favorite snack, honest to god. I feel like a chips-addict sometimes, especially when I was young, I used to hide the bags of chips in my desk drawer so that no one would know I had bags of chips by myself, until one day my dad found them and seriously my heart was about to jump out my chest I was so scared of the big lecture I was gonna recive of how bad chips are for you etc. etc. I sure recived it. It wasn't the first time I've recived a lecture on how I should eat and such. it always made me feel disgusted by myself, and resent my parents for not letting me be ME, and do whatever I want. I just wanted them to let me be! My mom would ask me how much I weighed and I would lie because I was ashamed and scared to tell the truth.
My "pretty" face.
She'd often say, when I was all dolled up for a specially occation or such that I looked pretty in the face, just a shame my body wasn't. She'd say "if you'd loose weight you'd look even better."
Today I know they said all that stuff and did what they did because they love and care about me. I know that. 
However back then we got into a big fight, eventually, that ended up with me crying my eyes out yelling at them saying they made me feel so bad, ugly, disgusting, fat, and un-attracitve. I told them to leave me alone. They did, but my mom still gives me that look sometimes. She'll look at me, often when I'm feeling like a big sack of potatoes, slouching..."Jennifer, please, you need to loose weight." and I'll be like...."Mmmmm, I know." Big news, you're not making things better by reminding me about something I already know, let me deal with it my own way. 
I want to love my body, love me! So just let me! If I feel that I want to loose weight then let me deal with it myself the way I feel is best for me, because that is what's gonna effectivly work. Not my parents constant naggig, I think they understand that now. Thank you!
At my best friends birthday party. 2011.
Weight is a sensitive subject for me, what I can relate to the most on Weesha's post is the Asian culture. Relatives trying to give you diet tips, and some that just straight out ask you why you're fat. When I was in Philippines 2007 (I don't travel there very often so I don't know my relatvies that well.) I got to hear remarks on my weight 3 times in like a day or two, I was so sad and upset! It was diet tips, 1 cup of rice blah blah, you'll loose weight and look really nice and get a boyfriend. OH?! So you're saying I can't score a guy looking like I do now? I was so upset, I just sat up saying nothing and left the table. Another man joked with my mother infront of me asking "what happened with her body?! haha!" WHAT!? What's with the manners in this country I thought, you just don't say stuff like that! I stayed in my room the rest of the day. I hit rock bottom when I was at the hair dressers, and bunch of funny gays owned that place, I sat there quietly in the chair while this one guy did my hair and he asked me "why.....why....." I was thinking, maybe he's gonna ask me why I'm so quiet? "why....why are you so fat?". I was shocked! My answer become "I....don't...know?" and I was close to crying right there and then. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT!? I couldn't leave the place, I was trapped in that chair with that horrible guy doing my hair. I told my mom what he'd asked, close to tears, she just waved it off. Afterwards I wish I asked him "why are you gay?" both stupid questions that shouldn't be asked. Some people in Philippines don't know the manners, no one in Sweden would EVER ask or say anything about a persons apperence in a negative way, never to a stranger you don't even know.
I was pissed! Later during my stay I started dating someone so I was like "in your face". Which made me feel a little bit better about myself.
This summer, 2011
It's always been a battle, but today I feel pretty confident with myself. I like that I'm curvy. I think I look good most of the time. (besides when I'm feeling low.) I know I am fat, I've accepted that. No stupid comments about my weight can ever hurt me again. I don't care. 
Like this one guest at work the other week that flipped for nothing and pointed at me and called me a fat whore, and said I was to fat to work there. I just laughed. really?! REALLY?! You don't know me, leave! Idiots like that don't deserve any attention.
I know I've started to put on even more weight, this past year and Jason (my boyfriend) has started to comment on it, asking about my diet and what I'm eating. It just makes me aggravated and I end up yelling at him to leave me alone and to never speak about my weight and diets again! It's what I did to my parents, tell them to leave me alone with it. I right away become defensive, again, even though I know he asks because he loves me and he's only concerned about my health. But...I still get annoyed about it and all I'm thinking is....
JUST LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT!
I just want to be happy!
And talking about my weight and how to loose weight when I feel targeted in a negative way doesn't work with me, it makes me fell miserable. Level with me and we can talk. :)
Jason wants me to go back to the shape I had when we met 3 and a half years ago, I was like 10-15 kilos less then. It would be nice I agree but don't nag about it. I feel like a mess sometimes, that I can't get it done, that I can't loose weight that easily, it's so hard! I just need to deal with it myself. 
Do I make any sense? I feel like a mess, like please, Jen, can you make up your mind?! Do you want to loose it or not? Commit damn it! You feel me? So hard...
 
I feel blessed though, I have a boyfriend by my side that loves me unconditionally. I have family and friends that love me whatever size I am. I have my sister and brother that I love so much, that always makes me feel good about myself. They have never judged me. I have wonderful and supportive friends, as well as this amazing plus size blog community that I'm a part of that is so so so supportive. My readers that comment, you always boost my confidence and make me feel god about myself, and keeps me blogging. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you Weesha's world for your inspiring post that made me dare to share my own experience.
ALL my endless love to ya' all!!

Comments

Malene said…
I have tears in my eyes after reading this. You just said so many of my own thought out loud.

I just want you to know, that:
1) I love this blog!
2) I find your blog and YOU very inspiring.
3) You are a VERY beautiful girl and I would LOVE to have a body like yours!
Malene said…
Also... I wanted to share one of the most hurtful comments I've ever had. I remember my sisters birthday two years ago, the whole family was there, including my small cousins - you know... They grow bigger every single time, those little ones! And then I said to my gradfather: "They get bigger every single time, don't they!" He replied: "Yes... I can tell" and then he looked down my body. I don't know if he really meant the comment to hit me or if it all happened in my head, and it didn't apply to me at all. But it still hurts just thinking about it - and it's two years ago now!
Kristel Knows said…
Thank you so much Malene! <3 it warms my heart, you're too sweet. And im glad you like my post, means the world to me!
I totally understand where you're comming from, just because weight is a sensitive subject and when people say stuff like that, you take it personal. Oh and when they give you that "body-check" look, that just gives it away. it feels like you have judging eyes on you all the time when you're around some relatives, you just want them to accept YOU no matter what.
Thanks again for your sweet comment. <3 I cant see your picture right here, but I know you are beautiful person too! ;)
Anonymous said…
Jennifer-
I am constantly inspired by your pictures. I think you look amazing, and it helps me stay positive about my own body to see how well you pull off fashion trends that are often designed for such small sizes. Thank you so much for posting your personal experience. Don't listen to those nay-sayers. You are beautiful!
Unknown said…
Thank you so much for this post, I have a really hard time talking about my weight because I find the subject very touchy and a bit annoying - I just don't think being "big" is bad. Up until about age 10 I was small, I had a ton of friends, and people told me how pretty I was all the time but when I started to gain weight everything changed. I started to hate the way I looked, I lost friends, and people started to make comments that I already felt inside. I would eat for comfort and everything would continue. My mom, who also struggles with her weight, would put me on diets and take me exercising. My brother, who got the thin gene, would call me fat and ugly and I believed him. I honestly still do, I try to combat those feelings but it is hard.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles but I couldn't relate more and can't thank you enough for making a post about this because I can relate to it so much. I was convinced until I met my boyfriend that I would never meet a decent guy, that I would never be loved or treated like my smaller friends, and that I deserved all my poor treatment because I was fat and ugly.

I just want to let you know I think you are beautiful, inside and out. Thank you so much for posting this.

<3Honeysuckelle
Malene said…
Thanks right back at ya', Jennifer - even though I know you have no idea of how I look your compliment is warming!

Anyway! Because of you, and all of the other plus size bloggers, I am thinking about making my own blog every single day. I don't have a fashion-gene though. And I don't really like having a camera on me. I have been thinking about it for several months though - maybe I should take the jump one of these days.
Anonymous said…
This hits so close to home. I commend you for being brave enough to tell such hurtful stories of the past, it takes a lot of confidence and courage, so thanks for allowing me to know that even though you're half way around the world, there are people who struggle with weight and rude comments as well. By the way regarldless of your weight, you're awesome and I often find myself saying " man if only I was her size and had such a kickass wardrobe"!
Dorcas said…
I've gone through pretty much the same thing with my mum. Snide remarks any time she see's me without clothes or wearing anything tight. Constantly nagging me about losing weight etc. She works in healthcare, so I know she's doing it because she thinks its the right thing, but I do wish she knew how hurtful some of the things she says is. My sister's used to be the same but I'm slowly educating them on fat and body acceptance.

My family is Nigerian, and its exactly the same thing, family members, friends etc, making rude remarks, and I can't say anything about it. I remember a friend of my dad's stayed with us last year, and he made a remark about an old picture of me, and asked me why I had put on so much weight, and do I really want to be this big? I was only a size bigger than the picture so I was raging inside, and I was really disappointed in my dad for not saying anything, and also with my ex boyfriend who at the time accused me of being sensitive when I complained to him about it, so you're really lucky Jennifer to have such a supportive boyfriend!!

I have to commend you on this blog for dressing so well and not hiding behind clothes! Don't let what anyone says to you get you down, you truely are beautiful. I come on this blog literally EVERYDAY! Seriously when I type J into my google browser it automatically comes up with Jasiferlionsclub.blogspot.com! Its because of bloggers like you, that I don't hide in dresses and skirts anymore and bought my first pair of trousers in over 2 years last month! (I look awesome in them!!) :)
Satchirel said…
Dear Jennifer, I also read Weesha's post and was very touches as well as I am deeply moved by yours. Its great to know that one's being loved by the familiy but being patronized like a small child was always hard to cope with for me. I took all those negative comments to my heart, got depressed and eventually put on even more weight... By not living with my family anymore (though I visit them over the weekends) for one year now and starting to read fat acceptance blogs shour has change my view of the world a lot. Especially in respect to comments people drop just to cover up their own insecurities... I think you are truely beautiful and deserve every bit of love you get from the people surrounding you so I hope you'll find even more happiness in your life and keep up the blogging ♥.
Anonymous said…
Hi Jennifer. I read Weesha's post before I read yours, and I thought exactly what I think now...wow, other people have gone through the same thing as me. All my life I've been the fat one. I'm adopted and my parents and sister are all small...my sister and mom weigh about 110 lobs and my dad is maybe 160. At my heaviest I was 100lbs more than that! I've been told by everyone in my family...everyone in my life..that I need to lose weight, I'm not healthy..I spent alot of my life dealing with bulimia, cutting, depresion. I didn't realize the connection though until I was living away from home and my mom sent me a package. My roomate (who was a bigger girl too) was there and saw the newspaper cutout about diets or something, I can't remember exactly, and flipped out! She went on and on about how this is why I'm so unhappy, what kind of parents do this to their children etc. It really made me stop and think. Yes, I think they made this way. That was 10 years ago and I'm in a much better place now. My (much smaller French) boyfriend loves the hell out of me and is constantly telling me I'm sexy and beautiful. I have so much confidence...until I go back home. It's so easy to return to the place as the fat daughter. Sorry this is so long, but I felt I had to comment. You are beautiful and confident and it makes life so much better when you realize you are fine just the way you are!
Unknown said…
love, I totally thought of you when I was writing mine because I was thinking "is this an asian thing?" remembering some of your previous comments and posts. I'm so glad you wrote this, I wish you did ask that hairdresser why he is gay -_- I hope everyone stops bugging you about your weight and decide to love you no matter what you choose to weigh!
Anonymous said…
kudos to you and LuAnne for writing posts like this! I've had a different experience growing up and being fat (my parents and schoolmates/friends never ridiculed me), BUT i can remember almost EVERY instance (and i'm fortunate that they were very few) where i heard an offhand comment. they were ironically never said to my face. HOWEVER, i do have low self esteem, and when a guy i like doesn't like me back i often think it's because of my weight (it doesn't help that i can count on my hands how many guys i've dated over the years).

thanks for sharing your story. it's always nice to know you're not alone in the battle with confidence.

love,
jill
http://jillybeanstalk.blogspot.com
Bella said…
Even though I don't always comment, I love your blog! This post was thought provoking and written from the heart. Beautifully delivered. I salute you for loving yourself and sharing your story with us! You are beautiful! :)
Anonymous said…
I love youre blog
I like youre inspiring style
and its gooooooodddd to see that ure happy with youre BF :))

thx for sharing youre own story :)

i am in a fight 2 with my weight i try my best , but its gooooooooddd to know that my boyfriend is loving me as I am
Anonymous said…
Hey, I really like your blog! This is my first time commenting because I feel your partner is really REALLY out of line commenting about your weight. You are fat, and beautiful, and lovely, and kind. Who cares if you have gained some weight? HE shouldn't. It makes me really upset that he would say stuff like that, I can't imagine the pressure you are under. Maybe you should read more fat acceptance/body positivity blogs? xxx
Thick Threads said…
such a great post by you. I really feel this story too. It hits close to home here too. thanks to you and luanne for writing such great articles. thanks for sharing it with us.

xo
a_Riot
Ulrika said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ulrika said…
Hi Jennifer! I haven't commented in a long time as I´ve had a bit of a break from blogging but I just have to say what a great post this was and how much I recognized myself in your story. I have not really spoken about this topic yet on my blog but during last spring and summer I managed to loose over 20 kg and it has been such a long journey. Don´t really know what to reply when people comment on this as I feel that it is such a sensitive subject no matter what weight you are at. For me I guess the turning point was when me myself (not anyone else, and there were many comments...) realized that it was not even about not being happy about the way I looked, it was that I did not feel healthy and strong in my own body anymore, and that gave me the motivation to start running and just enjoying exercise again..But my point is that that is a personal thing and that I was not happy about the way I used food for comfort and the way my body felt to me, BUT that was my personal realisation and business, no one elses. So I guess what I am trying to say is that the only thing that counts is that you feel happy in your body because you are the one living in it and if you are happy that´s the bottom line, no one else has a right to take that away, only you decide over your body. And if there is one thing I´ve learned from my never ending weight journey, it is that self worth and self esteem really is about accepting your self, it is not attached to your weight or clothes size.. Love ya girl for this amazing post <3 xxx
Just Daisy said…
What an amazingly brave thing for you to do! I appreciate you sharing your story with us all who can relate to those all too familiar feelings. You are such a beautiful stylish person and this post meant the world to a girl from new York city.

Thanks again and keeping being fab and inspiring!

Xoxo,
Daisy
Anonymous said…
Hi Jennifer! I love your blog and I'm finally de-lurking to comment on this post! Haha.

As others have said, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm a curvy Asian girl too, so I DEFINITELY understand and sympathize with your struggles.

More importantly, however, I just wanted to assure you that you DO absolutely deserve to be loved, no matter your size/shape/weight. You DO deserve to be happy, and you have every right to make your own decisions about your own body, including whether you choose to diet/exercise or not.

Best of luck, and thank you again for writing this post. xoxo
Anonymous said…
Hejhej Jennifer, first of all I have been consistently following your blog and I love it! I check it everyday. You are very beautiful both inside and out plus your style is awesome :)

Second of all, thank you for the inspiring story. Your content is always great but this time it really touches my heart. I am also Asian and I used to live in Sweden. (hence the "hejhej" :) btw, good country!) I can really relate to many things you and the lovely Weesha mentioned in these posts. For my story, I used to have an eating disorder and had to be admitted to the hospital and I just wanted to end my life at that time because no matter how hard I tried, I could never be "that thin" to the Asian standard. Growing up, it was quite confusing since I lived in different places in the west and the east and the people in the west would say I have a good (in their words, not mine) perfect body but when I go back to my mother's land, the people in the east will keep telling me how big I am. (sometimes I just assume they confuse big with tall) As for my case, I am very luck that my family and friends are very supportive. I only get nasty comments from strangers or those who do not really know or care about me so I usually let these comments slip past my mind.

Last but not least, I agree with many of the lovely comments here. Please keep being yourself because you are beautiful just the way you are. I wish you all the best: happiness, love, luck, health, and everything good. You rock, girl :)

xoxoxoxo
I feel you!

I have been in Thailand many times and they're so rude sometimes too. It's so weird, cos we're not used to it at all!

Take care :)
Anonymous said…
I just stumbled across your blog by accident a few minutes ago and wanted to say that this article was really nicely written - thank you!
Another Jennifer
Anonymous said…
being fat is not healthy and being underweight is not healthy either........but despite achieving a healthy waist size of 78cm, people used to be v rude to me also ........THATS STRANGE!.....like even medium sized people get treated like shit at times .......despite being healthy

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